19 Comments
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Alan Doak's avatar

Lovely column, Leah.

I hate Rug Doctors. No matter how well the last hirer cleaned the machine it always feels like you're bringing a little bit of their DNA (and goodness knows what else) into your house.

Also, we have a salt pig. It's ugly, but it's very good - at holding salt, and being close to hand for salting pasta or potato water. I won't hear a bad word said against them!.+

Leah McFall's avatar

I have so many regrets

Helen Barrell's avatar

"By this point I was businesslike and nimble, like a tyre gunner in the pit lane at Formula One."

Hahaha amazing! 😂

I remember my parents hiring a carpet-cleaner vac when we moved house. My brother's bedroom had a horrible old brown carpet that stank of stale tobacco. They slogged themselves silly over it and couldn't get out the smell.

Not long afterwards, our window cleaner said he'd seen a ghost smoking a pipe through the window. So Rug Doctors must be pretty good, but they're no match against a smelly haunting.

Leah McFall's avatar

Hahahahaha!!!! Yes I’ve heard nicotine is terribly hard to get rid of, from the upholstery of imported used cars

Lucy Conway's avatar

I’d have warned you against the Rug Doctor, but I knew your report would be hilarious, so I kept quiet. And have been handsomely rewarded.

The Lighthousekeeper's Muse's avatar

My salt pig and I are feeling judged!

Re the Rug Doctor/bikini wax comment from your friend - no notes, just perfect!

Have you allowed anyone to sit on the clean sofa yet?

Leah McFall's avatar

Don’t get me wrong - I badly WANT a salt pig. I just don’t think I have the confidence to pull it off

Susan Elliot's avatar

Loved this

Tyre gunners/rug doctors/bikini waxers. Sounds like the nuttiest corner of a career fair

I have a salt pig makes me feel like I'm channeling Julia Child

every time I use it / who could ask for more?

Leah McFall's avatar

I think a salt pig definitely lends authority to a cook. Also a mezzaluna. Nigella is ALWAYS getting hers out

Susan Elliot's avatar

Ah the Mezzaluna - only my New World knives are more lethal

Fiona Whittaker's avatar

Laughed out loud at so much of this. I hesitate to tell you I have not one but two salt pigs - one I inherited from my dad, which I keep by my chopping board, and one my daughter made me in a pottery class in the shape of a frog's head (with a tongue-shaped spoon) that sits by the hob.

Leah McFall's avatar

These are completely acceptable owing to their loving associations, and as such you are discharged without conviction!

Sharyn's avatar

‘and suddenly felt like the Princess of Wales.’ For some reason I’m stuck on this being Diana (showing my age) and pondering all the possibilities: feeling like you’re wearing a tiara, married to Charles, long dead? From context I assume you mean feeling good?

Leah McFall's avatar

I meant Catherine, who always appears serene and radiant 💛

Caro's avatar

That made me laugh a lot.

Patrick Lam's avatar

Hilarious! I've started to remove a strip of carpet in anticipation of replacing with wooden floors. No rug doctor needed!

If only I could find my house keys. I did have them when entering the house...

Leah McFall's avatar

I’m beginning to think fitted carpets were the downfall of civilisation

Patrick Lam's avatar

"wall to wall carpeting", who wants that!

I did find my keys.

Leah McFall's avatar

Thank heavens!!!!